Hi people! how are you doing? Hope you guys are doing good and missing me hehe. i know it's been a long time i've been missed from any social life either online or offline. Something comes up lately which made me busy so i couldn't spare my time since it takes so much my energy. However now i've finally decided to start writing on my blog again as a self therapy; writing a reflection journal. Well, i may write down this in English or maybe mix it up with some Bahasa in this post. i'm not certain yet because i haven't decided as i am writing right now. Let's see how my brain and heart will lead my fingers what to write hehe so please... please... mind me if you find my post a bit weird because it will be more like a free writing of mine or my diary that can be read by anyone. Sure i'll appreciate any feedback and good advice given. :)
So, here i challenge myself to write my 2016 annual review even though it's March already. i think it's okay because it's better late than never (alasan.) The reason why do i need to write the annual review is because i want to be a better person this year. i wanna learn my faults and inspire myself by reviewing every good things happened to me. This process reminds me to look back on the previous twelve months (or even more), celebrate some victories, evaluate my failures and hold myself accountable in public. so i hope you'll find my stories stumbles and insights useful since you may learn something from some stories i have.
My 2016 review will answer three questions:
1. what went well this year?
2. what didn't go so well this year?
3. what am i working toward?
1. what went well this year?
Relationship. I finally date my best friend. He was one of my good friends and i've never expected that he was into me. i knew he loved making fun about me, flirting me as jokes because he was my junior in college actually (but who cares) So i've never expected anything would happen between us. Until by the time we got closer, he was the only person that i could get along with and i did really comfortable with that. The first feeling i got was like caring, loving him as a brother (yeah he's even a year younger than my younger brother) but then, i have a feeling that i want to make him happy as much as i can. So without any further cheesy story here the things that i want to be thankful is finally i have a person to share all my easy and hard times, my walking-in-the-park partner, my coffee date person. His existence eases so many hard times that i've been through.
Istanbul fashion week. lucky me i could witness and take part in the first ever modest fashion week held in istanbul last spring. i went there as an asisstant for Mrs. Franka, the women behind the scene who work on that modest fashion week. it was exhausted and am not paid (it's okay) but at least i gain experience entering the industry. meet the designers and influencers was a great experiment. One of the best part was when i help Anniesa Hasibuan team as their interpreter.
Paris. That is one of the happiest days in my life. I went to Paris to join the Eurolympique held by PPI Paris together with other Indonesian student In Turkey and my boyfriend also (well, we were not dating yet that time but we got very close long before that) Alhamdulillah everything went well, We didn't need to pay the visa because of the help from Indonesia Embassy in Turkey. we were so lucky! So yeah i'm thankful that i can visit Paris that time. i hope i can get back one day and have a proper visit as a tourist.
2. what didn't go well this year?
Coup. As we know, there was failed military coup last summer on 15th of July 2016. it was nightmare not only for Turkish people but also most of Indonesian student in Turkey because that coup made us lose our scholarship. yeah we lost our scholarship! and especially me, i lost my campus as it was closed down by the government. i studied in the international private campus belongs to a one of the wealthiest person in Turkey who was suspected as a follower of the movement which supports the coup. I was in Indonesia and it was really bad since i wasn't sure whether i could be back to Turkey and continue my study or not. Over all i didn't enjoy my holiday. 3 months in Indonesia i spent most of by crying and wondering about my future. The only good things hapenned t was i lost my weight hehe finally i reach 45kg again
Gazi University. finally after long summer break i could back on September. The day i landed in Ataturk Airport was like a dream to me. i was ready to start new life with the new spirit, a lot of positive toughs in mind because i believe Allah will never leave me. However, It never went well. they announced my new campus 1 month late. My new campus is Gazi University and they don't accept my 90 credits that already taken from my previous campus which means i lose 3 semester. i still fight for it until now. I'm so depressed honestly. too much pressure that i got and i have to handle them all my self. It's even harder because i literally alone, i lost my scholarship, i don't have family supports so i have to maintain all alone. i work part time as a house maid and kids math tutor and it's quite exhausted because my schedule for school is full also. i don't know what i'm doing. i don't like fashion design in Gazi. and the fact that they don't accept my credit is crazy wallah. i don't know what i'm doing in my life anymore.
hiding. if you are closer enough with me, you may be know this better. i tend to hide when i have problems and depression. This is the root of anything that has happened. The reason why i seemed to be not responsible anymore. Because that works i used to love seems to be stressful for me and i don't want to add any pain to my head so i leave them. Moreover i want to be alone because i don't want my bad mood ruin people's day. i know how bad i am so that's why i tend to avoid people since i got more sensitive with simple little things also. i got pissed off by the fact that i can't be as happy as others that i see their happy moments were shared in Instagram. i got pissed off by the fact that i can't enjoy my life etc. Something inside my mind didn't go well this year.
3. what am i working toward?
Looking back, 2016 felt like a roller coaster to me. It was all well in the earlier year but changed drastically started right in summer. One of the hardest year yet easier because i have somebody to rely on when i'm tired of those sh*t. As i turn my attention to 2017, i see my priorities more into how my attitude respond towards anything happen in my life. There are some aspect that i want to improve also and they are falling into three categories.
God. As a Muslim, i believe Allah is the only God i have. i want to rebuild the relationship between me and Him better. Put him as my most priority over all. i miss those moments when i used to wake up early before Fajr to listen Al-mathurat and then lecture from Aa Gym early morning as i got ready to go to school at 6 am. I want to read Qur'an again. I want to get closer again. i want to be the one He loves. i want spiritually peace. i want to be spiritually better so i commit to at least pray 5 times a day (as it's mandatory) and do other sunnah that make me closer and closer to Him.
Small Circle. We can be friend with anybody but may not get along with them. I want to make people who are in my small circle happy. They are my priority. Their advices are matter. No more drama. No more feeling lonely. I am planning to manage my time so i have time for people in my small circle.
Manage. It's all about managing. i'll manage my time better. i have to set goals, write down my priority so my to do lists will be clear. Promise me wita! you will work on it. No more being late. No more skipping class. No more being unresponsive. No more being extravagant for unnecessary thing. live minimalist! you will have a good habbit by the end of this year inshallah. (kemudian jadi berapi-api entah kenapa)
Dream. well, i may say i stop dreaming since 2 years ago. it's like i lose hope over everything. My friend said i was so pessimistic but actually i was more realistic. i'm a kind of person "all or nothing". so since i've seen a miracle of people dreaming, i'll start to have dreams again. i mean dreaming here is setting goals, knowing what you want to do and still feel positive vibe by believing it will happen.
Well, that wraps up my 2016 annual review. i'd like to close by thanking you for reading. I don't have all the answers but i'm delighted to share what i learn in my reflection journal along the way with you. Here i hope i have a better year in 2017.